Therapy can sometimes feel like this mysterious and perhaps scare endeavor, especially if you’ve never been in it before or if you are feeling afraid of what might come up!
Even as a therapist, sometimes it's hard to describe. Here, I’m going to answer some common questions Q&A style that I get about therapy in general and in my next article, I’ll get into what it’s like to work with me personally. So let's get into it.
Do I need therapy?
This is an interesting question. I have 2 minds on the matter. Most of us can get through life without needing psychotherapy. And also I personally think everyone should get into therapy at some point. Because whether you’re in active distress or not, there’s something about moving through life with a better understanding of yourself and growth that adds to happiness and fulfillment. Also, as you get deeper into therapy, having someone who understands and can witness you, through all your human, painful moments and darkest secrets is invaluable.
As to whether now is the time for you to CHOOSE therapy, you might consider if there are patterns or disturbances in your life that you can’t seem to shake. Have you been feeling in distress for awhile, or does it feel like you are unable to get the understanding and feedback you would like from your friends and family?
If you’ve had a nagging sense that you need some more help, maybe it’s time to pay attention to your gut. Often clients get to a point where they just are tired of trying to handle things on their own, and there is tremendous relief in addressing the challenges of life head on in a confidential, safe environment (whether in an office or through online therapy).
How is a therapist better than talking a friend or a family member?
You love your friends and family and they love you. But one of the biggest challenges of leaning on friends and family is that it’s hard to offer an unbiased interaction with people you love. I have rarely come across my own family or friends who didn’t want to insert their opinions, advice, and maybe even judgments into the mix. Pyschotherapists are trained to be able to check themselves and to offer expertise that allows you to come up with your own solutions.
Additionally, if you’re looking at a trauma-focused modality like EMDR, or want to receive specialized care for something like binge eating, addictions, anxiety, or depression, your loved ones will definitely have limitations in what they can offer.
How does therapy work?
Study after study has shown that therapy is effective because of the relationship between client and therapist. Throughout life, we build up an arsenal of beliefs and defenses that shape the way we interact with the world, and impact our mental health, relationships, and outlook. Often these ways of relating to the world include gaping blind spots that we need to recognize and understand in order to change. The therapist is the witness to those patterns and beliefs, bringing the ways you think, react and feel to a more conscious place so that you can heal and make positive changes. Sometimes in therapy it feels like you’re having insight after insight and change is happening quickly. Other times it can take a long time to take even small steps forward in understanding or action.
Different types of therapies may approach this from different angles. For example, EMDR, which is sometimes used in therapy to address traumatic events, uses bilateral stimulation to neutralize stored memories and rewire us for a more positive relationship with ourselves and those around us. Mindfulness helps you focus on the present moment and bear witness to your own experience.
But even with specific modalities, it is most often the safety of the therapeutic relationship provides the foundation to explore how you react and respond in life so that you can start to make changes and feel better.
How long will I be in therapy?
Here’s the truth: I actually don’t know. Therapy is rooted in science, but it often leans more toward art. Sometimes people feel loads better just getting some things off their chest in the first few sessions. Other times, it really takes months or years to unravel deeper trauma or relational patterns that are hard-wired and harder to break. Taking risks and implementing the discoveries that you make along the way may expedite your progress. But for many therapist, the duration has to remain open in order to allow the therapeutic process to unfold.
But you ultimately get to decide if it’s helping you! And remember that if you are wondering if it’s time to end therapy, you can always talk to your therapist about it.
“Holy moly, why are therapists so expensive?”
I know there can be sticker shock when you start looking for a counselor. In Santa Monica, therapist fees generally run in the $150 - $250 per hour range if you’re paying out of pocket. Even if you are getting some reimbursement from insurance, it’s definitely an investment to put aside several hundred to $1000+ dollars per month to see a therapist.
Well first of all, let me reassure you that very few therapists are retiring on a yacht in the mediterranean after a few years in practice. We are business owners without the luxury of an umbrella company offsetting expenses. Most of us have had years of expensive schooling, continuing education, and thousands of hours of client work to get to the point of working in private practice. The fees cover a wide range of things necessary to provide quality service to you and to run a practice and maintain our licenses - office space, medical & malpractice insurance, ongoing education, consultation, conferences, marketing, software, and time off.
Why do therapists only see clients part time?
Most therapists, for their own mental health and self-management, only see about 15-25 clients a week individually. Believe it or not, it takes an incredible amount of energy to hold space for clients, especially when we are often dealing with trauma and hearing intense stories hour after hour. When we are sitting with you, we’re not only actively working to stay present and listen to what you’re saying, but also tracking your emotional state and storing thoughts and ideas about what you’re sharing for later. If you’re sad, happy, pissed off, or anything else that arises, we are there to absorb and respond.
In addition, even if it looks like we’re just chilling in a chair across from you, a good therapist is internally active, monitoring their own responses to what you’re sharing and checking in on intuition, feelings, and thoughts as they arise. Most therapists, including me, need to actively work on self-care outside of sessions to consistently offer you our full attention and experience. (I’m lucky to have the beach 1 block from my Santa Monica office!) If we don’t, we burn out quickly and then we’re no use to you at all!
Will my therapist tell me what to do?
Most of the time, no, because that doesn’t usually work! I’m sure that you’ve gotten plenty of advice from wise people around you and maybe even have thought some of it was helpful, but often that’s not enough for change.
We all want someone to wave a magic wand or tell us the magic formula to solve our problems, but the truth is that lasting change comes from a deeper place. Therapists may challenge your actions or behaviors, or even share what they are seeing and make recommendations, but ultimately a therapist is on the journey WITH you, to nudge and hand a roadmap, but always let you pick the path.
The therapist is on a journey with you and together you co-create your healing and change.
I hope that this post answers some questions about psychotherapy that you may have had. If you need help locating a therapist in Santa Monica or online, or are curious about working with me, I offer a free phone consult. Just call me at (310) 422-8609 and let’s talk about it!